It’s not the same. Something has changed. There’s a glow, a wash of warmth that I didn’t remember seeing before.
I guess this is the face of freedom.
Sometimes glimpses are just enough to stir something inside of you.
There’s a beast we try to tame inside all of us and moments like these ignite its repressed desire to be let loose. Afterall a cage was never fit for any beast, least of not, the beast that quietly resides within us.
You’d told me before that one decision could completely change our lives. One step off the pavement could lead to a fantasy come true, all you needed to do was to make that step. With you shining the light in the crack, I felt it once again; I felt the enormous power of potential and the lurch of a moving heart. It makes you think that if only you wished it, one day you could really have it all.
Writing became like the book that you regrettably returned to the shelf. You have intentions to pursue it at a later date but that day slowly pushes itself farther and farther out until quite by accident you meet your trigger and you’re quickly drawn back.
I’ve missed it sorely but now that I am done with work, I’m back on track, my personal freedom feeling like the weight of gold in my hands.
In the last few months, life shifted gears and the hours in my day became a slow, standardised routine. Not the disciplined kind, but the boring kind; the kind frankly not worth writing about.
But several weeks of sleep later, I find myself in awe under the busy lights of Shanghai, taking a stand against their infamously icy temperatures amidst warm Christmas cheer. Armed with a furry coat, tall boots and most importantly gloves, the city I so eagerly wanted to take on is really starting to feel like home.
“You’re always one decision away from a completely different life.”
I believe people can’t be summarised down into several words. I dislike labels and I never believed how one acts or thinks is lasting. It’s all dependent on circumstance.
Isn’t it interesting that we can paint these pictures of others, interact with people through lenses that we place before them? I understand that to make sense of our world, we make mental profiles of people but with these lenses, we also have the responsibility to update them as people change. The assumption that someone’s life is a concrete entity is dismissive and an unfair distillation of the essence of a person.
Life changes people and in time one won’t be the same as they were before.
Some things don’t require explanations. You don’t need to ask questions when you’ve got the answers.
And now that it’s dawned on me, I keep seeing red. Red lights, red lips and red hues. Everything is red and I’m choking on it. The danger was always there and yet, the peril was so attractive. Why did it seem so right when it was so clearly wrong? I don’t think I ever once saw a green light but I was so intent on believing there was one, that reality became one big, distorted delusion. The colours became just that bit more vivid to mask the shards that accumulated in darkness.
What’s funny is, it’s not about forgiving you anymore. It’s about forgiving myself for allowing it to happen.